When back to school means more than new books.

Wanting and not being able to go is not refusing

For my son with pathological demand avoidance getting into the school building was always the challenge. As school broke down age 9 in 3^rd class, and he ended up out permanently, the idea of getting to school seemed further and further away. But I knew he wanted to be there, with his friends, the same as all the other kids, so I fought and fought and worked and wrote and all the other things you have to do, and by 5^th class we began a process to achieve the impossible.

Change the Language used

Even using the word school made it harder for my son to get there and stepping across the building threshold was impossible, and going in the morning was too early, and joining all the other children was a step too far. So we didn't try. We didn't use the school building. We didn't refer to it as school.

Small Steps

The plan for our first step was a half hour lunchtime play meeting with a small group of friends. We used the community centre across the road, a large hall. I referred to it as the community centre. We began going for half an hour once a week. Yes, small steps really means just that.

Natural Consequences

I told my son that if he didn't go he would miss his friends. So it was always his choice.

Trust

I had to repeatedly reassure that no one was going to trick him. No one was going to force something on him, or surprise him. And I would not leave him there. Initially I stayed in the room for the duration. Over time, I began to take bathroom breaks, then bathroom breaks and spending more time outside reading the noticeboard.

We increased sessions from once a week to twice a week.

It took the same process, preplanning, discussion and calm reassurance from me each time we went.

Daily Return

Armed with an individualised plan from Phil Christie (a PDA expert from the UK) I spent a Summer telling my son that Phil C said if he wanted to go every afternoon he should be allowed to do that. I still had to fight the school come September. The initial policy was to get everyone else started first, settle the timetable and then in week two or three he would begin. I argued that he knew the back to school date from his friends, so if we missed that start we missed the start. He would know he'd missed the start and that would make going harder. They agreed a start within the first week. We went to the community centre initially in the same way as we went the previous year. But now we went every day. After the session the teacher would walk the kids across the road to the school and my son would follow. Eventually he was walking onto the school grounds with them. Preplanning brought them through a side door rather than the main entrance. We asked my son if he would like to go that way into the library which was just inside that door to be able to play for longer. Eventually he did.

Sensory Needs

He usually did all of the above without shoes, I carried them behind him. No one batted an eyelid, including the other children. He was being accepted for who he was. Insisting on shoes would have made the difference between getting in and not begin able to get out of the car. This is what pick your battles means.

Invisible Direction

The teacher's aim was to slowly introduce academic work into the library for my son. She began to run parallel classes there, bringing half of the class to join my son once he was established in the room. She had him set up her projector. He would greet the class as if he was the teacher. Then take his seat with the others. Gradually without any sudden change, he was in a class doing school work.  My son was not doing whatever he wanted, or dictating every step, or lacking discipline.  Instead, he was being guided by a professional with an understanding of PDA in a way where he felt he had control.  This was the only approach that would have enabled his return to school.

Bend the Rules

The school hall had a separate entrance like the library but on the other side of the school. He agreed to move there instead of the community centre when gym equipment was installed. Then we devised a return to the full class for p.e. which took place in the same hall. The first day it didn't work, as the small group of children went back to class leaving my son. The proposed return of the full class was too much and he asked and was taken to the library. I suggested the small group stay with him and the others join. We tried that the next week and it worked. Now he was in the full class. I was already exiting the library at this stage and waiting in the car so I was now gone. His resource teacher was there as a support. She described him separating himself into a wendy house at the back of the hall, but doing the exercises the rest of the class were doing. Gradually over weeks he emerged from the wendy house and joined the group. Another child told him off (you were not supposed to be in the little house), but the resource teacher was there to redirect that child.

Routines

Gradually, slowly, my son joined his class in their classroom. The first day he faced everyone from the top of the room to greet them like the teacher. His class teacher just thought this was odd and moved him to a seat, but in fact he was repeating the steps used in the library to reintegrate him initially.  This is what is meant by routines in asd.  My son does not like dictated routines; this one was not planned but evolved naturally and clearly worked for him.  He attended every day from 12.30, beginning each day with a small group activity session (12.30pm was the other childrens' lunch break). School ended at 2.40pm when he would walk out happy with his classmates. His shoes stayed on for longer. Getting out of the house became easier, though I still text daily when we were on our way.

Extreme Anxiety

The level of anxiety involved was extreme, but not always obvious unless you knew what to look for. It was only extreme because of the breakdown of school in the first place. I don't know what things happened to my son in school when everything went wrong for him. I have some information that teacher and principal challenged him directly. His response of rocking was mentioned a year later (I have never seen my son rock). His confusion and despair in school was mirrored by my disciplining him at home. He must have felt under seige. His response was to shut down in school and explode with me.

Skilled Support Team working with family

The success we achieved was only made possible by expert direction and training from Phil Christie (the two teachers and principal involved attended a half day workshop with him). By a capable and willing resource teacher who taught my son for his first 3 years, knew him well, and had identified him as exceptionally able. By a familiar class of children including his friends. By a class teacher who had also taught him before and had a sense of humour he liked. By me supporting full time at home.

Ongoing Support

It wasn't success that lasted. As the school saw him return more easily, they forgot that every step of support was still needed. Things broke down again once the supports were removed. But that's another day's writing. I have a lasting image of my son in his Christmas jumper, joining his class earlier than usual for a charity run, running last in the group with his friend, a smiling and happy face.

All successes, however small, are worth the effort.