Parent perspective - things that work for me

(All views are my own as a parent.  They do not constitute professional advice.)

Meltdowns, Shutdowns, Tantrums and Rages

What are we talking about?

Don't assume anyone knows what you are talking about. There are a lot of assumptions made when you say meltdown. People think they know what that is from their own experience, usually with their toddler. You need to describe what happens in your experience. Is it screaming? Does it look out of control? Are things thrown? Is there damage to property? Is it violent? Is it directed at you? It is 2 hours long? Is there an ability to apologise? What happens afterwards?

Tantrums

All the parents you know know about tantrums. Tantrums have a trigger, and ignoring the behaviour and other traditional techniques work. The naughty step does work for some children, and those parents will want to tell you about it!

Yes it is hard to tell if my child is acting up on purpose. As I get better at distinguishing when is ok to push, when I can challenge, I get better at telling when he can be called out on misbehaviour as 'typical teen'. Misbehaviour doesn't escalate to out of control, or cause violence or a shutdown. Misbehaviour causes a row, maybe raised voices and some sulking.

When my son was younger, misbehaviour probably escalated into a meltdown as he didn't get his way and became overloaded by the emotion of it. But now he is better able to deal with the emotion it is easier to identify the causes of behaviour. The different reasons for behaviour are becoming more obvious to me.

When a panic attack attacks

PDA literature describes meltdown as a panic attack. Certainly when my son was younger he was completely out of control, for hours, worse when restrained, and fell asleep afterwards. But at times as a 10 year old my son seemed to have some control, as he pursued me around the house, or went to get things to throw at me. At the same time, he certainly was not able to reason during those episodes.

I now recognise the difference when the emotion he is dealing with is anger rather than anxiety. I call this a rage. It is the rages that are aimed at me, whereas the meltdowns in my son's case are more like shutdowns and he retreats, curls up and is barely able to speak. I think a shutdown may be more damaging for my son, but a rage is more dangerous for both of us. The anger can emerge as anxiety escalates, particularly when I am pushing to achieve a goal like getting to school.

Shutdown Example

My son wants to wash his hair:

There is a time deadline as he wants to do it before going out to an event. His avoidance has escalated in the days leading up to the event. My involvement has increased as I try to help him make it happen. The day arrives. The hair is not washed. The deadline approaches. He finally agrees it is time. It takes 30 mins to get him off his technology. He retreats to his couch to curl up. It takes 30 mins to move him from there to the bathroom. He curls up on a chair in the bathroom. An hour of negotiation later, and often looking like he is about to lean over the sink, he moves onto the floor of the bathroom in the foetal position. It has become too much and he is shutting down. I call it (later than I should have because I know he wants to make the event). His speech slows right down. He retreats to his room. He is unable to go out. There has been no aggression or screaming or hysteria. But he is overwhelmed and unable to cope.

Meltdown Example by contrast:

It's time to go out to visit family. He has already said no this morning, but the plans were made weeks ago so I'm hoping he will be persuaded. As I don't back off he gets agitated very quickly. He starts to shout, scream. Pursues me as maybe I argue back. Knocks over chairs. Moves into physical attack.

Avoid, avoid, avoid

Heading it off.

The thing you have to learn is avoidance!!

How to avoid the rage happening? How to see the signs that anxiety is high. How to read the subtle ever changing anxiety levels. How to call it early enough, abandon any immediate goals you may have, and move to plan B or exit plan.

Signpost
Signs of rising anxiety in my house:

Level 1: no response to my voice. When he was small I thought he had a hearing problem.

Level 2: talking about an unrelated topic in response to my voice

Level 3: using bad language

Level 4: leaving the room

Level 5: telling me no

Level 6: telling me to stop

Are you listening?

My son has explained many times that:

1 If he says no he is not going, then he is not going. If he says he can't, he can't. If he says it's too much, it's too much.

2 He will put up with my trying to negotiate, plead, encourage him. He will even say maybe, or later, or something else that I might misread as signs of progress, but his objective is to make me go away.  (Remember social manipulation is a strength.)

3 If he says Stop then I need to stop whatever it is I'm doing to him IMMEDIATELY.

4 In his mind if he loses control it is my fault for not listening to him

During our past days of aggression he repeatedly told me the above when we discussed things after a rage event. And repeatedly told me I was stupid because I just kept doing the same things. And in his literal mind he was right. I kept trying to encourage, distract, find a way. But all I did was make things worse.

Signpost now you're lost

And when he was losing control, that was also in stages.

Stage 1: agitation, bad language

Stage 2: screaming

Stage 3: knocking over chairs

Stage 4: throwing things

Stage 5: pushing

Stage 6: physical violence directed at me, biting, hair pulling, kicking.

Of course, sometimes coming out of school, the first 5 stages would have been masked in school so we have gone straight to stage 6 in the car.

Only human
And sometimes, I would see the stages, but be so frustrated that school was waiting that I'd try to reason with him, or I would lose my own temper.

Nothing is achieved by these meltdowns. No learning is gained. It usually took us that day and the next to recover from the emotional trauma.

Forget the naughty step

Punishments and consequences did not work. They often created another tense environment to kick off another storm. Remember consequences are used by adults for teaching, right, so the child will know better the next time. My child does not learn this way. So I do not use them.  Any approaches used with my son he will use with me.  He doesn't instinctively differentiate his position as child versus mine as adult.  If I punish, he will feel entitled to punish me.

Solutions
Step one - Learn to recognise the anxiety levels

So, first I had to learn to recognise the anxiety levels. Then I had to learn to listen to what he was telling me. And finally stop if he said stop. And then find another way to achieve the goal.

Step two - Be practical

Be practical: remove dangerous items that are usually to hand out of the equation. Knives and scissors can go to a high cupboard or lock them away. Lock away garden tools.

Step three - Stop talking

If it's too late to stop a meltdown from happening I developed a few techniques to limit its extent and duration. The first was to become small and quiet. Stop talking as early as possible. Whisper if I needed to say something to reassure or for safety. Crouch down into the foetal position. Wait. It seemed to take the energy out of his onslaught. I did this first, and meltdowns reduced.

Step four - Teach emotions

Then I started to think that he is not learning from me that violence is not acceptable, and he's not seeing a normal emotional reaction so how is he going to learn about a normal emotional reaction. I had become an unnaturally calm quiet person during his meltdowns. so I added in an over-reaction when physical violence was involved. Crouch down, but cry out loudly if hit. Cry out in pain at the first sign of physical contact. Do this every time. Fake cry if necessary. I don't think my son realised the pain he was causing. His lashing out felt like a release to him, so was it not a release to me too?

Step five - Teach non violence
Away from the meltdowns, I taught my son that tv fights are pretend they don't really make contact.  You are not allowed make contact.  We practised fighting without making contact.  'No contact' became a phrase I could reference.  I taught him about Mahatma Gandhi and non violent protest.  I taught him to put old plates in multiple plastic bags and throw them against the wall outside as a safe release.

Step six - Accept that control is necessary

Then I had to figure out how I was going to make any progress if he has this much control all the time. My advice is to accept the control. The PDA child needs the control. I am being manipulated but that is necessary for my son to function. Slowly, little by little, away from the meltdown, in the calm times, do the encouragement, do the preparation, do the preplanning to help reach an objective.

Step seven - Find time to communicate

Nightime is the best time to talk to my son. He always seems more receptive into the night. I feel that as the demands of the day are ending, his 'mask' is no longer so essential and I can reach him.  Drawing has also been valuable.  Talking is the hardest way to communicate for him.

Step eight - Try to understand

Try and think literally. Imagine you are a child that doesn't recognise authority. If you get inside his head what does he really 'have' to do? Rules do not apply, so the reality for him is he has to eat, sleep a little and use the bathroom, all as and when he wants.  Oh, and game of course.  That's really it. After that most things are society rules which my son does not value. He has said that even the right to an education is not really a right if it is being imposed. If he does not have a choice.  He has a point.  Things are very clear and black and white in his head. It helps me to understand that.

Step nine - Teach 'have to'

Of course, he does need to learn that things we have to do allow us to function within society, and my job as his parent is to teach him. But he does not learn what 'has to' means from any sort of meltdown,shutdown or rage. He learns what 'has to' means in a collaborative way, like he has to do chores not because I say, but because of collective responsibility for the running of the house and so he will know how to do things for himself when he is older. He has to learn to prepare food so he doesn't starve. He learns what 'has to' means not from being told to go to school, but from hearing that learning will lead to the things he wants to do as he gets older, or money in the future to pay for his technology.

Celebrate success

There is no longer any violence in my house. PDA strategies work. I have learnt how to spot the signs early and respond appropriately and my son has learnt better emotional regulation over time.

I have moved past him completely controlling me to a point of helping him access the world in a safe way, learn life skills and self awareness in small steps while taking a long term view. It is a much more positive way forward than endless conflict.

One day at a time.  One goal at a time.