TURN IT AROUND
I started my development journey with
my son in crisis and no understanding of what was going on. A lot of
time after that was spent on trying to figure out what was wrong.
Trying to figure out what the problem was. The problem was
identified as an asd. Then time was spent trying to 'solve' the asd
problems. It is difficult to change your own expectations and
preferences. It is difficult to challenge your own beliefs as a
parent. It is difficult to undo all the preconditioning of parenting
that you have.
It is possible though. I believe it
was necessary for me.
My life with my son stabilised and
improved when I changed, when I dropped all societal expectations of
what I was supposed to do as a parent and instead looked to my
instinct of what my son needed. I started to think of his strengths.
I started to think of innovative ways to work with him, not against
him.
Available for learning
An unsupported school environment was
causing untold distress. We withdrew from school. Timetabling and
curriculum at home failed to work. We stopped using that approach.
Instead I accepted that my son needs to experience and learn in his
own way. I believe he had always done this, even when he was 'being
taught' in school. Now we discuss and explore current affairs,
topical issues. We research questions as they arise. We follow
though on topics of interest.
No learning happens in high stress and
shutdown. I think we can forget that as parents, and think 'one must
learn to adapt' somehow as if it is going to happen on its own. For
my son, anxiety has to be reduced enough for learning to happen.
This is critical.
FOCUS ON STRENGTHS
Technology
My son is skilled on his computer. He
taught himself to type. He games. He has a social life online.
Instead of trying to restrict online time I have embraced and
encouraged it. Instead of trying to impose my image of a social life
of physical people gathered somewhere and talking, I have recognised
that his way is different, but works for him. His way is
international, is not restricted to time zones and physical nearness,
and allows him to find people with the same interests and have fun,
just what a social life should be. Technology is the way of the
future. I hope my son will be better prepared than most for this.
Life learning opportunities
My son loves food. As transitioning
out to dinner is at times a challenge, we have increased the number
of invitations we make for meals at our house. He helps with the
menu, and prepares some of the courses. He serves. He engages with
our guests. He helps with the cleanup. All the social benefits of
entertaining are gained. We go to others too, to those people who
understand if I phone at the last minute and say we can't make it.
To those people who say “no problem” and rearrange. We also go
to restaurants in a spontaneous way when the opportunity presents.
From a drivethrough to a formal white table cloth sit down, we enjoy
eating out whenever we can.
Travel
My son loves to travel. We travel as
often as possible. A benefit of not being in school is travelling at
cheaper out of season times. I facilitate by making arrangements
that will work for us: service stations with food on car journeys,
late night outings, later in the day flights, extra food on the
plane, preplanning, preparation, communication in advance. I ensure
access to headphones, ear defenders, technology, chargers, chewing
gum, clothing layers, pillows, sunglasses, snacks. There is always
built in flexibility and control for my son. Travel means learning
planning, navigation, shops, money, dealing with security, strange
environments, following instructions, coping with tiredness,
adjusting, adapting, other cultures, tolerance.
Animals
We have had outdoor animals at various times, but I have resisted having animals in the house. My son wanted a cat. Our two new kittens, largely indoors, give my son a lot of joy and comfort. And he is learning how to take responsibility for their needs. Researching cat technology in the form of automated feeders and efficient litter trays mean we can still travel with ease.
Self sufficiency
We have had outdoor animals at various times, but I have resisted having animals in the house. My son wanted a cat. Our two new kittens, largely indoors, give my son a lot of joy and comfort. And he is learning how to take responsibility for their needs. Researching cat technology in the form of automated feeders and efficient litter trays mean we can still travel with ease.
Self sufficiency
We often celebrate extroverts and think
being on your own is a problem. My son loves time at home. So do I.
Instead of worrying about not being out enough, busy and doing and
going, we enjoy lots of time at home without pressure. Time to
relax. Time to explore our interests. When I meet other parents
complaining about how crazy and busy their lifestyles are I admire
ours. Being self sufficient is a strength. Being independent is a
strength. Being resilient is a strength.
ADAPT
Work
Instead of continuing to go out to work
and deal with the distress and difficulty that caused, I adjusted my
work and now work largely from home. My son still has to respond to
my working; he has to move rooms and adjust whenever I teach. I
have left his xbox in the room where I teach, so he has to exit a
game and leave it in a time specific way. He has learned to do this.
My working no longer causes distress in our family.
Qualifications
I come from a traditional education
background that valued qualifications. I have several, including
university degrees. This is where the traditional education path
leads. I don't know yet whether my son will gain qualifications and
how his working career will develop. I do know that the
qualifications I obtained can now be obtained online. I know there
are lots of people living their lives without university degrees. I
know modern career paths are often more varied and changing. I know
I changed my own career path more than once. I hope nurturing the
skills of curiosity and resourcefulness will lead my son to an
independent working life.
Emotions
We all have to develop our emotional
maturity. Emotional learning is not gained by failing regularly in
school social settings, or by being distressed in crowds of age
peers. Emotional learning is better gained slowly and gradually in
safe and positive ways, by modelling, with family, with close
friends, with positive interactions.
Too Soft
Does tough love work for some children?
Throw them in to sink or swim. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Is trying to
reduce hardship from my son's life a mistake? I don't think so. He
had a traumatic few years, more than any child should have to deal
with. He is dealing with levels of anxiety constantly that I can't
imagine. Give him a break. Children who are thriving in school and
socially are not experiencing hardship. A falling out with a friend
is not suffering. A difficult encounter with a teacher is not
suffering. Encountering a teacher who causes you so much anxiety
that you shut down physically is suffering. Being bullied and
excluded by peers is suffering. Tough love is not supposed to mean
doing your child harm. My child needs safety in order to be able to
function. It is my job to ensure that safety.
THE RESULTS
Meltdowns are a thing of the past.
This has transformed our lives. My son is calm and relaxed. He is
able to function. He is able for life learning experiences.
I have learnt so much from challenging
all my preconceptions. In questioning the purpose of school, I have
discovered a wealth of alternative attitudes and approaches to
education. I have questioned what social skills are and which ones
we really need. I have learnt about emotional regulation and
emotional intelligence. I have begun to think about inclusion and
what it really means. I am learning from my son. I am enriched by
him. I facilitate his development and his learning. Isn't that my
true role as a parent?