TURN IT AROUND

I started my development journey with my son in crisis and no understanding of what was going on. A lot of time after that was spent on trying to figure out what was wrong. Trying to figure out what the problem was. The problem was identified as an asd. Then time was spent trying to 'solve' the asd problems. It is difficult to change your own expectations and preferences. It is difficult to challenge your own beliefs as a parent. It is difficult to undo all the preconditioning of parenting that you have.

It is possible though. I believe it was necessary for me.

My life with my son stabilised and improved when I changed, when I dropped all societal expectations of what I was supposed to do as a parent and instead looked to my instinct of what my son needed. I started to think of his strengths. I started to think of innovative ways to work with him, not against him.

Available for learning

An unsupported school environment was causing untold distress. We withdrew from school. Timetabling and curriculum at home failed to work. We stopped using that approach. Instead I accepted that my son needs to experience and learn in his own way. I believe he had always done this, even when he was 'being taught' in school. Now we discuss and explore current affairs, topical issues. We research questions as they arise. We follow though on topics of interest.

No learning happens in high stress and shutdown. I think we can forget that as parents, and think 'one must learn to adapt' somehow as if it is going to happen on its own. For my son, anxiety has to be reduced enough for learning to happen. This is critical.

FOCUS ON STRENGTHS

Technology

My son is skilled on his computer. He taught himself to type. He games. He has a social life online. Instead of trying to restrict online time I have embraced and encouraged it. Instead of trying to impose my image of a social life of physical people gathered somewhere and talking, I have recognised that his way is different, but works for him. His way is international, is not restricted to time zones and physical nearness, and allows him to find people with the same interests and have fun, just what a social life should be. Technology is the way of the future. I hope my son will be better prepared than most for this.

Life learning opportunities

My son loves food. As transitioning out to dinner is at times a challenge, we have increased the number of invitations we make for meals at our house. He helps with the menu, and prepares some of the courses. He serves. He engages with our guests. He helps with the cleanup. All the social benefits of entertaining are gained. We go to others too, to those people who understand if I phone at the last minute and say we can't make it. To those people who say “no problem” and rearrange. We also go to restaurants in a spontaneous way when the opportunity presents. From a drivethrough to a formal white table cloth sit down, we enjoy eating out whenever we can.

Travel

My son loves to travel. We travel as often as possible. A benefit of not being in school is travelling at cheaper out of season times. I facilitate by making arrangements that will work for us: service stations with food on car journeys, late night outings, later in the day flights, extra food on the plane, preplanning, preparation, communication in advance. I ensure access to headphones, ear defenders, technology, chargers, chewing gum, clothing layers, pillows, sunglasses, snacks. There is always built in flexibility and control for my son. Travel means learning planning, navigation, shops, money, dealing with security, strange environments, following instructions, coping with tiredness, adjusting, adapting, other cultures, tolerance.

Animals
We have had outdoor animals at various times, but I have resisted having animals in the house.  My son wanted a cat.  Our two new kittens, largely indoors, give my son a lot of joy and comfort.  And he is learning how to take responsibility for their needs.  Researching cat technology in the form of automated feeders and efficient litter trays mean we can still travel with ease.

Self sufficiency

We often celebrate extroverts and think being on your own is a problem. My son loves time at home. So do I. Instead of worrying about not being out enough, busy and doing and going, we enjoy lots of time at home without pressure. Time to relax. Time to explore our interests. When I meet other parents complaining about how crazy and busy their lifestyles are I admire ours. Being self sufficient is a strength. Being independent is a strength. Being resilient is a strength.

ADAPT

Work

Instead of continuing to go out to work and deal with the distress and difficulty that caused, I adjusted my work and now work largely from home. My son still has to respond to my working; he has to move rooms and adjust whenever I teach. I have left his xbox in the room where I teach, so he has to exit a game and leave it in a time specific way. He has learned to do this. My working no longer causes distress in our family.

Qualifications

I come from a traditional education background that valued qualifications. I have several, including university degrees. This is where the traditional education path leads. I don't know yet whether my son will gain qualifications and how his working career will develop. I do know that the qualifications I obtained can now be obtained online. I know there are lots of people living their lives without university degrees. I know modern career paths are often more varied and changing. I know I changed my own career path more than once. I hope nurturing the skills of curiosity and resourcefulness will lead my son to an independent working life.

Emotions

We all have to develop our emotional maturity. Emotional learning is not gained by failing regularly in school social settings, or by being distressed in crowds of age peers. Emotional learning is better gained slowly and gradually in safe and positive ways, by modelling, with family, with close friends, with positive interactions.

Too Soft

Does tough love work for some children? Throw them in to sink or swim. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Is trying to reduce hardship from my son's life a mistake? I don't think so. He had a traumatic few years, more than any child should have to deal with. He is dealing with levels of anxiety constantly that I can't imagine. Give him a break. Children who are thriving in school and socially are not experiencing hardship. A falling out with a friend is not suffering. A difficult encounter with a teacher is not suffering. Encountering a teacher who causes you so much anxiety that you shut down physically is suffering. Being bullied and excluded by peers is suffering. Tough love is not supposed to mean doing your child harm. My child needs safety in order to be able to function. It is my job to ensure that safety.

THE RESULTS

Meltdowns are a thing of the past. This has transformed our lives. My son is calm and relaxed. He is able to function. He is able for life learning experiences.

I have learnt so much from challenging all my preconceptions. In questioning the purpose of school, I have discovered a wealth of alternative attitudes and approaches to education. I have questioned what social skills are and which ones we really need. I have learnt about emotional regulation and emotional intelligence. I have begun to think about inclusion and what it really means. I am learning from my son. I am enriched by him. I facilitate his development and his learning. Isn't that my true role as a parent?