How family can help

PDA is complex, challenging and little known. It is very hard to explain to anyone that yes, your boy went to school yesterday, but today it is impossible. That he really wants to come to visit you, but can't. That when he threw a chair, and cursed at you it wasn't personal. That he is staying up til 3am at the moment, and allowing that does not mean his parents are useless.

From the outside it can look like a child is ruling the roost, the parent is weak, and it is ridiculous. From the outside family can feel like something must be said, and they are going to be the ones to say it because they care.

Or in a less caring way, family can revert to childhood roles, or competitive positions, and somehow you were always difficult, and always different and this is just an extension of that.

For the parent who is at an early stage of struggling with PDA, their stress levels are high. They are struggling to figure out what is going on with their child and how to help. They are also probably struggling with school authorities, and psychology professionals who are likely not experienced with PDA, often not listening, and probably not helping.

Phil Christie, a leading expert in PDA, said in a training session for professionals that they will see a parent who seems passive, and unchallenging. They will misinterpret this as causing a child's difficult behaviours. In reality, the parent has already adapted to the child: the childs behaviour came first, and the parents have learned that a non confrontational approach works best, not the other way around. Family often do the same. They see the parents reducing demands and managing anxiety to avoid meltdowns, and it looks like an absence of discipline, when in reality the parent knows what works best for the child.

So what would help from family?
Listen. Without making assumptions and judgements based on your experience. Recognise the limits of your experience.
And learn. If you really want to support your family member then you will need to learn about PDA. You will need to read articles shared with you. You will need to find out about the condition. You will need to ask questions. You will need to ask how can I help?

Is this always the case? Are there times when we parents need someone outside to point out something that is difficult to hear? A school principal once said to me 'parents adapt', meaning parents get used to things that are not necessarily best for the child. This is where people who care can really help, pointing out something that has become accepted within a family but is not really acceptable. However, this can only happen if the outside commentator really knows what they are talking about, and that can only happen if they have educated themselves about the condition you are dealing with.


Those who adopt a non judgemental attitude, recognise that their assumptions may be wrong, listen and learn how to best support the condition, show that they really care.  

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